I still don’t understand it Lord. I tried so hard to be who he wanted me to be. I tried to look pretty. I tried to love unconditionally. I don’t get it. It was never enough. It hurt whenever I was compared to others. I didn’t understand why he felt he had to do things that shocked, demoralized, and stunned me. It seemed the more I gave, the angrier, more demanding he became. There was a hole in his soul that grew more depraved with each act of acquiescence.
The horror and anger slipped in to my dreams. Often I would awaken, sitting startled and frightened from a dream of being drug back against my will. Often well-meaning people approached me begging me to give him another chance. They didn’t know, and I couldn’t tell them. How could I? Even those who had seen his rage toward me in public turned their head the other way. I was amazed at the number of people who knew him well, some even witnessing his behavior, become angry whenever I took measures to stop the madness. Some wanted to be heroes whenever I was in distress, but the support became conditional whenever I spoke up on my own to say no more.
About the time I felt I was getting stronger, I would go into one of my favorite places only to find he had been there telling them how much he loved me and wanted me back. He would find something I loved to do, go in and buy a gift certificate to have waiting for me. I would then have to listen to someone’s campaign on how wonderful he was, how he had changed, and what a fool I would be not to take him back.
I do not fault others for trying. They felt they were doing something good for a couple who needed their help and encouragement. On the surface it seemed so wonderful. However, I knew in my heart it was simply another way to let me know he was in control of my life even from miles away. Each time we were together, the anger, control, and bitterness which seethed below the surface of his cool exterior would slip out momentarily, then disappear back into depths where it lay dormant until provoked.
I tried to love him again, I truly did. I begged God to take away the issues that were tearing our family apart. I spent hours asking God to change my heart. I knew that was God’s perfect plan, until death us do part. The sad part of it all…we had experienced death. Not a physical death, but homicide of the heart and spirit. Death of the very essence which made me who I was.
I so wanted for others to hear and understand. I didn’t want people to choose sides. I simply wanted them to know there was a valid reason I left and did not return. It took a long time before I understood that people make their own judgments and came to their own conclusions, often without all of the facts. That was something I could not change. I had to find who I was in Christ and be that person once again with His divine help. What others understood or didn’t understand was not my concern. My concern was what my Father understood, and He understood it all.
Divorce is an awful journey. Even years after the fact the scars burn at times. Marriage is God’s design, and it is a holy union. It is never to be entered into lightly. It is the most wonderful partnership of two people for life, working together through difficulties and hardships to build the most intimate of friendships second only to one’s relationship with Christ.
There are times, however, when God reaches down and says no more. No more destruction, no more pain. I was in dire need of repair. I had to rediscover who God created me to be. I had to find the true gifts He had given and to use them to soar. I was not created to grovel or be held down. I was made to live in possibility, in faith, in joy, in love, in hope. I was made to be respected and to be able to give that respect in return. God wants us to be free to be ourselves, because that person is the best. That, my friend, is why He wants so desperately to teach you to be who He created you to be in your times of waiting.
Isaiah 64:8 And yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand.
Luke 12:6 (Jesus speaking..) What is the price of 5 sparrows – 2 copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid. .. you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
Genesis 1:27 God created human beings in His own image. In the image of God, He created them. Because you are made in God’s image, you are a reflection of His glory and valuable. God loves you and made you to be like Him.
John 3:16 For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son [Jesus], so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life John 3:16