I pulled into the drive-through and placed my order. These trips into Houston took something out of me, but I knew how important they were. We had been attending marriage counseling once a week for six weeks since our separation. Some sessions went better than others, but the process had become increasingly frustrating. The problem ran much deeper than a lack of communication, or a disagreement over finances, or even how to raise our children.
Our counselor was one of the best. He came highly recommended, and I understood why. However the sessions only hit on surface issues for which my ex-husband had all of the right answers. He knew all of the right words to say and exactly how to say them in the right situation. My problem was I could not trust the words. I had heard them all before, and I had been drawn into that web of illusion only to be disappointed too many times. I greatly feared being locked back into that silent prison.
I continued with my personal counseling. I wanted to get better. I wanted the wounds to heal. Some days I longed to go back to being a family. I found myself wearing my wedding ring once again. I missed being a wife. I missed being a family. I felt conflicted between whether I missed him or the idea of who I so wanted him to be. I pretended things were better, yet when we were together reality portrayed a much different story. I knew God was capable of performing miracles. However, I also knew God gave each of us free will. I battled with what I believed was “right” and “honorable” and my honest feelings, which meant owning up to the fact that whatever love and trust that had once held us together had been destroyed. I put tremendous pressure on myself to make this separation just that – a temporary situation. All the while, somewhere in the depths of my soul the thought of ever going back wrecked my sanity.
I would spend a little over a year fighting this battle. I would fight until God allowed something to shake me to the very core of my being, waking me up, and telling me beyond a shadow of a doubt that His ways are not always our ways nor His thoughts our thoughts. God sees past the façade straight to the soul. God knows the intent of the heart. All He wants from us is our honesty and our surrender. He hears our cries for help, and He knows when we have had enough. He knows what we are capable of handling, and He will never tempt us beyond that which we are able to bear.
Is there something bearing down on you today? Is there something about which you need to be honest with God? He is there, simply waiting. He already knows all, yet still He wants to hear from us. He longs for us to entrust to Him even the worst of confessions. He cares enough to listen, and He loves enough to forgive. Running only compounds the problem. Confession with repentance cleanses us from all unrighteousness, and it is the first step to true healing. I have come to learn that His love for me goes beyond my comprehension. I have been shown that His infinite wisdom far surpasses anything I could even begin to ascribe to His character. I have found that His understanding knows no limits. Simply call upon His name and forsaking all pride, be honest during times of waiting.
Proverbs 15:11 Even Death and Destruction hold no secrets from the LORD. How much more does He know the human heart!
John 8:32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.