Life over the next couple of weeks went by in a blur. The telephone was already ringing off the wall before Dad could get the door unlocked. By this time my ex-husband already knew we were gone. He was away on business with friends who knew there was a major problem. They knew that we had to go. They had given us time to reach a private destination before letting him know. This was a part of that plan that God had been working out in His perfect timing as He had whispered, “Simply wait.”
Days following the gun incident became increasingly bizarre. Obsession and rage overtook him in a way I had never experienced. The dark being staring back at me through his eyes during these episodes of intense rage was completely unfamiliar. The anger and rage had become familiar. The sheer absence of anything resembling the soul of the person I thought I had married shook me to the core of my being.
I had known there were problems for years. Even when we were dating I was confused by his public charm and his private obsessive behavior. I was so flattered by his attention, however, I chose to overlook red flags along the way. After all, I was barely seventeen, and this charming older guy found me attractive and “mature”.
Once married, serious issues began cropping up that I chose to ignore. I felt if I became the wife God intended me to be this would all resolve itself. Somewhere along the way, my thought process switched to becoming the woman he wanted me to be. What I didn’t understand was that deep scars created by unresolved pain in his past plus my permissive behavior of the present made for a toxic mixture for both of us.
So now here I stood at a crossroads. I could choose to take the “easy” route – answer his begging calls to return to the familiar cycle of pain and destruction. Or, I could choose to step out in faith, place my eyes on the Father, and with His help, walk on water. Somewhere deep inside, a small seed of faith and courage was planted. Having recently had the chance to focus on my children instead of on myself and their Dad for a week had opened my eyes to the damage we were inflicting on these innocent souls depending on us to guide them.
I eventually answered one of the calls. Thankfully a small ray of hope had risen above my guilt and shame, and I felt ever so slightly empowered in this new phase of waiting.
Psalms 37:23-24 The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.
Psalms 62:5-8 For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Psalms 66:19-20 But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me!